Water beat the top of her head in an endless stream of droplets. Tears were drowned out by the river pouring down her face. Her world was collapsing. The feeling of worthlessness was beyond overwhelming; she felt unlovable. It was supposed to be a happy time, a cherished time, but her emotions were drawing her into the darkest of places. Laying one hand on her swollen abdomen, she buried her face in the other. She wanted to be okay, for her baby, but circumstances kept hurling her through hell. All she wanted, in this moment, was to escape everything.
“Shara?!” A man hollered from just inside the front door.
She heard her husband’s call but could not find her own voice to answer. The desire to be invisible filled her heart. He shouldn’t have to see her like this. It wasn’t who she was, or who she wanted to be. The steady shower rain filled her ears with its pounding on the tub floor where she sat. Suddenly, the door flung open and her husband burst through the door. She ignored his presence
“Shara!” His voice shook above the volume.
His arms rested on the edge of the tub on the other side of the curtain. The gentle thud of his knees hitting the floor could be felt through the liquid vibrations. She did not want him to see her, to talk to her, but it was going to be inevitable. He was watching her, and she knew his heart was hurting.
“Shara…” He whispered through the curtain. “Talk to me.”
She said nothing, drowning out his voice in the torrential rain. In this moment, she wished she had never been born. Failure; she was nothing but a failure. He was waiting patiently for her to say something, anything, and yet the silence remained between them.
“Talk to me… please,” he begged, moving to turn off the water.
The curtain pulled away from the wall as he reached in and turned off the rain. She made no moves to stop him, nor to speak. The desire to die was becoming stronger. Helplessness overwhelmed her mind. She wanted to be in a different situation, knowing the strain from everything that had happened, was weighing heavily on her husband’s shoulders. The child moved in her belly, causing her to twitch unconsciously. Her husband was watching her, hoping for any sign of life.
“I’m sorry,” she mumbled.
Pushing back the plastic that hung between their two bodies, he reached out and took her hand. She just stared at their embrace silently. He was scared, and she knew it, but she did not know how to make it better. The water droplets clung to her skin, making her shiver with the slightest chill in the room.
“What?” He asked, not having heard her words.
“I’m sorry,” she repeated, a bit clearer than last time.
“For existing. For everything.”
His face noticeably fell from her words. She knew they were not what he wanted to hear, but it was how she felt. He needed to know the truth. There was no danger of her taking her own life, but the temptation was stronger than she had imagined it would be. She would do nothing to put her child in harms way, and that was more formidable than the desire to vanish from existence.
“I am worthless…” she cried.
Bowing his head and resting it on his chest, he sighed. She could not tell if he was crying, but whether he did on the outside or not, she knew he was on the inside, and it was her fault – just like everything else in their life right now.
“You…” he began. “…are not worthless.”
“But I am. I can’t do anything right.” She countered. “I am not contributing to our family.”
“Is he big and healthy?”
“Then you are doing at least one thing right. The most important thing right now.”
She started to cry again. He was right, but she could not find herself to admit it. The darkness which filled her mind was too crushing to see the light.
“Shara…” He pulled her reluctantly to her feet and wrapped a towel around her shoulders. “Everything is going to be okay. It might not seem like it, but I promise.”
No positive words could be formed, despite her best efforts. She wanted a way out of the black, but the chains were solid. Too much was going on for her to be able to move forward.
“Don’t you trust me?”
She didn’t respond except with a nod.
Pulling her close, he held her without a word. She wanted him to be right…