Wooden train tracks wind around the living room floor as I carefully pick my footing to the couch. My life is a hazardous place of trains, trucks, and bare little boy butts, a combination I do not regret adding to my daily routine. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to have children. I would play dress-up and it always involved a baby doll or an imaginary child. It became an ingrained desire I could not shake. Life is a thing of constant change, but I knew this was something which would stick with me forever. Kids usually have something they want to be when they grow up. For me, being a mom was my constant when everything else changed. After everything I have gone through, the dream is at last a reality. I treasure every moment and struggle as I raise a wonderful young boy who has his butt hanging out of his pants when he plays.
From a young age, my creativity kept my head above the disarray in my thoughts. I was often lost in imaginary stories, acting out the scenes as they played in my mind. Garage sale and homemade dresses transformed mundane play into a magnificent display worthy of any stage. I played alone, hiding away in my whirling thoughts and emotions, afraid of the world and what came from my mental chaos. The narratives which filled my mind, were brought to life through dolls, dress-up, and eventually pen to paper. When the teen years came, my mind spun out of control, especially when the world reared its ugly head to bring me through an unimaginable reality. The end did not come into sight until my mid-20s, where I found a new lease on life through old friends re-entering my life in different ways.
I continue to struggle with the internal mayhem which harassed me as a child. It is accentuated by everything I have fought against, and been through, in my life. Unexpected twists and turns drug me through dark places I never imagined could exist, but I persevered through them. The emotional turmoil and physical torment I have lived has made the person I am proud of today. So many people have come and gone throughout that time, but I am grateful to those who went into the trenches with me and fought by my side. I am glad we are all here and I can tell my story in its entirety.